Funny little Man...

So last night after bath, London seemed to be in a very comical little mood so out comes the video camera on my phone (not the best quality, sorry). Just thought I'd share...

If you're wondering what he is saying, here is is:
1st part - Shake your booty, like a clown
2nd part - his rendition of Old Mcdonald
2rd - Hip Hip Hooray, I did it

Summer, Summer, Summer, Summertime

Well, if you haven't noticed its been since June since my last post which means only one thing...

Summertime.

I think this year we have definitely tried to squeeze every ounce of summer out this year. Which means pretty much evey moment that we're not working or doing something else, we're outside. We have also tried to do a couple trips as well. So far we've done VA Beach, Cass Scenic Railroad, Leesburg, Williamsburg, and we're going to Disney in September.

London is growing up so fast it unbelievable. He is now talking in almost complete sentences, can count up to 20 and has started his ABC's. Its just so crazy to think that he'll be turning 3 this December. Our next big challenge is potty training. We are on a count down to August 8th. This will be the morning that we put him in underwear and never look back! Hopefully he'll transition easily but we're prepared for the uh-oh's :)

Nathan is in full swing with the wedding season. This year he has had a wedding almost every Saturday with a few breaks in between and it seems that receptions are starting and ending earlier than past years.

I myself is doing good. Things are going well. Still working full time and trying to soak up as much London time whenever I possibly can! I sold my moms car this past weekend and now we just need to sell her duplex (very cute in the city). Other than that everything is pretty ho-hum with me. I'm thinking about taking a class in the fall - yes I meant school. I am over half way done with my associates and have thought about starting with just one class a semester to atleast finish it.

Anyways, there's the update and why I've been MIA for a whole month. I'll try not to let that much time go by again without a post! Love to all! SK

This Picture said so much...

Sorry Its been so long since I last posted. Time just seems to get away from me these days.

I always like to go to google images and search for random photos as my main photo for this blog. Sometimes its something that reminds me of my childhood or how my soul is feeling at the moment or what might be the cry of my heart that month.

This new picture for me caught my eye out of hundreds. At first I couldn't stop looking at it. Wondering about these two peoples lives. Wondering what they're thinking and feeling.

I then moved on to what was going on in the photo. Its pouring down raining. One is smart and brought her umbrella. She was prepared. She watched the weather that morning while going on with her morning schedule and making sure she was prepared for the day. The other lady, not so much. Granted she has a short haircut and therefore doesn't have to worry about the rain messing up her do. But she clearly wasn't a sprepared and didn't think to pay attention to the weather or if she needed her umbrella that day.

But here is another way of looking at it. Do we want to always be the one with the umbrella. So preoccupied in making sure that all our ducks are in a row that we miss out out the refreshing rain storm. In this photo is an example of two lives and their relationship with the Lord. One is distant, out of focus, and letting everything in her life prevent her from receiving the rain of the Lord upon her life. The other is clear, confident, and standing strong to not only receive what the Lord has for her but bravely battling what's coming her way knowing that in the long run it's going to be good and bring life.

So my prayer right now is that, Lord I don't want to be so pragmatic that I lose sight of what is real and that I stop feeling and stop receiving Your rain, Your favor, and most importantly Your word. Make it so that I am not the one in the background. Out of focus. Make it so that I am the one living my life totally and completely to honor You and Your name. Take the things out of my life that I have placed first and have caused a sheild against You. Let me be confident and stand strong in who I am and what I am to accomplish in this life! Amen!

My Bubby...

I rarely talk much about London on this blog and its more for privacy than anything else. I so treasure these baby and toddler moments that I just like to keep them locked in my heart and let them marinade.

But, this time I wanted to share my little Bubby with you all. I know I am probably somewhat totally snowed over by the love for this child that it seems like he can do no wrong but in all reality he has his moments.

London, my love, you are truly the apple of my eye. I love how you like to be quiet and reserved and then the next minute talk my ear off. I love that you like to cuddle and give lots of hugs and kisses. I will always buy you all the nuggets and apple dippers your little heart desires. I'll never forget the bedtime moments of kissing every one of your stuffed animals you like to sleep with...elmo, big bird, cookie monster, grover, baby mumble and your blankie and your doggie blankie and then lastly your sweet litttle head. I love the way you look at everything like a present that hasn't been opened yet and your excitement that shoots to my core. I'll never forget your little skip and hop when you dance. Your clapping off beat. Chasing your naked little butt around the house after bathtime. Sinking battleships and bathing Leo and Rocket in the tub. I love the innocent sparkle in your eyes, like your spirit is still untouched by the world.

London, may you never lose your innocence, quirkiness, spirit or excitement in those things unknown. May you always be kept and lead by you heavenly Father. May you always know His voice more than any others. I love you.

National Donate Life Month

I can still…
I can still smell your fragrance…not just that of your perfume, but of gooey butter cake, red clay mud pies, daffodils, & cheesecake.
Still see you sitting in your big chair drinking a hot cup of red rose tea and listening to Barbara Streisand or working in your flower beds on a sunny day.
Still hear the continual creek of the rocking chair while held in your arms and you singing me to sleep to “I love you Lord”.
Still feel the softness of the skin on the back of your hand and your presence in everyday things.
Still know the deep roots of faith you planted in us, the confident women you raised us to be & the love that showed no limitation of strength, endurance, & determination.You were an incredible woman. Always defeating the worst of odds and still walking away smiling. Always trusting in the Lord that through no matter what storm, He would provide and you would awake even better than the day before. You taught us more than anyone that His grace is sufficient, His portion enough, & His love is greater than all others.

This month is one that will also ring in my mind and will never be forgotten. It is National Donate Life Month! My mom didn't get the opportunity to receive a transplant but their are thousands out their that are healthy enough to receive a transplant...they're waiting on a donor. They're waiting on a donor to maybe have 5 more minutes with their families - husbands, daughters, sons, and grandchildren. One more hug, kiss, conversation over tea or shopping and thats just the things that are obvious. How about walking without a wheelchair, climbing stairs, taking a shower without help or even writing a letter. With my mothers passing, it is more than just her passing that you have to get over. Everyday I look at London and think of all the moments they would have had together and the things she's going to miss. He know his gramma by a picture but will never remember her by the memories they had together or ones that would have come. It's the holidays and birthdays that traditions will bring up her fragrance and make me feel the void. Donors don't have to give their vital organs to make a difference and no donation is too small!

APRIL IS NATIONAL DONATE LIFE MONTH

• Almost 100,000 men, women and children currently need life-saving organ transplants.


• Every 12 minutes another name is added to the national organ transplant waiting list.


• An average of 18 people die each day from the lack of available organs for transplant.


• In 2005, there were 7,593 deceased organ donors and 6,895 living organ donors resulting in 28,108 organ transplants.


• In 2005, 44,000 grafts were made available for transplant by eye banks within the United States.


• Approximately 1,000,000 tissue transplants are performed annually.


• According to research, 98% of all adults have heard about organ donation and 86% have heard of tissue donation.


• 90% of Americans say they support donation, but only 30% know the essential steps to take to be a donor.

Let It Rain...

Today I am going to not be okay with mediocracy.
Today I am going to not just sit by the river, I'm going to drown in it.
Today I am going to spend 10 minutes to feed my soul.
Today I am going to worship a little more.
Today I am going to think out of the box.
Today I am going to smile one more smile.
Today I am going to not be tired of the every day things.
Today I am going to marvel at the every day things.

Do you ever feel like your personal to-do list out runs your life to-do list like cleaning house and doing laundry. Lately I am feeling like that. Like I need an overhaul, tune up, oil change...maybe a little more air in my tires. I need the jumper cables laid on me like butter on bread.

It would be so incredible to just be able to work on me for a while. This whole thing started yesterday morning when I had the opportunity of being at home by m-y-s-e-l-f to just do things for m-y-s-e-l-f for about two hours. I was able to take an eternity long shower (which means shave my legs), pluck my eyebrows, and actually curl my hair (doesn't typically happen on a work morning, let alone with a two year old pulling at your legs). I was able to listen to worship music and enjoy my cup of hot coffee. My shirt was even ironed and my socks matched. I walked out of the house feeling so refreshed and at ease.

Well, I get that everyday can't be that way. I would eventually get bored of all the maintenance and "me" time and it wouldn't be so special on the days that I do get to have a morning like that. I was then at the va-j-j doctor yesterday morning and it had been since 2007 since I had gone. I know I can feel the hand smacks thru the computer. I actually went for an infertility visit (yada, yada, yada). Anyway, Donna starts asking me questions about my family and medical history. Here's how it went:

Question 1: How's your dad?
Answer in my mind: Well lets see, he left me when I was ten, had to be on food stamps, and now is gay, drag queen, and loves riding in the Mardi Gras parade's...also haven't talked to him since I was 16. Should have daddy issues but really am doing okay in that field.
Real Answer: I'm actually not sure of his recent health status. He hasn't been around since I was young.

Question 2: How's your mom?
Answer in my mind: Seriously, do I have to rehash this all over again. I know once I say she passed away she's going to get that look on her face of I'm so sorry but I'd love to know the details, how should I go about asking her.
Real Answer: She passed away about a month and a half ago of liver failure.

Question 3: How are you handling it?
Answer in my mind: Again, seriously, no I do not need antidepressants and I am not trying to get pregnant to fill the void or anything pychotic like that.
Real Answer: I'm working through it.

Anyway, I still get thrown off when people ask me about my mom or I have to tell them shes passed or they want an update on how I'm doing. I'll tell you. I'm still kinda numb. There are still moments I go to just pick up the phone and call her. It's a hard pill to swallow to let the reality of it actually sink in that that person is just gone. One moment they were breathing and the next just gone like vapor. You can't call them, touch them, hear them. Their entire existence is gone in an instant. It's not like when someone moves away and you can still talk to them or go visit them every so often. It feels like eternity thinking that, well, I'll see her when I go to heaven. You can't put a date on that. There's no scheduling. Its just when God decides and delivers. Well I like to have a tracking number but all we can do as christians is put it in God's hands. Our entire beings and lives in God's hands. Not that I'm entirely ready to leave this earth but it does make me excited about heaven.

Okay, so I titled this blog "let it rain". Mainly because spring is here. And spring is a time of rain, refreshing, fertilization, new plantings, and revitalization after the long blustery winter. I am praying that not only will spring be in the Shenandoah Valley weather wise but that in the spiritual realm of all of our lives. Its been a cold, dry winter. Bring it on God, let it rain!!!

Awe in the things seen and unseen...

So, I wasn't exactly sure how to begin this one. I really wanted to, for somewhat of memories sake, write down what happened at my moms death and how I felt and so on. Her passing yet sad and still a void was somehow how miraculous and God became so huge in it all.

Thats it exactly. More than anything, God's presence, His being became so big that my mothers passing was made to seem so small. At the moment that it happened. If that makes sense. I'm still trying to comprehend feelings, etc.

Well, that week still feels like a foggy mist but what I remember is going to church on Sunday morning and then it all began. I stepped out of church and had missed a call on my cell and it was the nursing home letting me know that she was still having difficulties breathing and they were taking her back to UVA. When reaching UVA, she had already been admitted to ICU and been put on oxygen and they were performing a lung tap. When leaving that day, she seemed to be doing better with still some shortness of breath and swelling. When I went on Monday and Tuesday she was lucide and seemed to be doing pretty well. Breathing with the same amount of oxygen she had been on in the past. When I got there on Wednesday, they had to move her onto the Bi-pap machine which is not a full breathing tube but was helping her breath quite a bit. She seemed in ok spirits but we both knew with an eiry peace that something wasn't right.

When I left that Wednesday night she blew me a kiss and a smile even while on the bi-pap. It was then that I knew intercession had to take place. I knew we had all been praying but this was different. I knew it had to be warfare! When I left, I put on my music and set my entire being into crazy prayer warrior time. I asked God to MOVE. Whatever direction but we needed some direction. She was tired, I was tired, and we were both done and ready for the next step. No more fence line, lets have the answer!

Well, He was listening. The next morning after speaking with her nurses and doctor, it was evident that she would not be leaving the ICU nor capable of having the transplant. She had to much infection and breathing problems for surgery. With this I called my sister and aunt and let them know they better come. That evening when I went to visit, it was evident that we both knew what was going to happen. I didn't say anything but told her to hang on and that Caron and her sister would be here soon. She nodded with eyes of determination. We brought her a video of London on Christmas morning to watch and just sat with her and sang to her. I tried to bring as much peace to the situtuation as possible.

On Friday morning, Caron had gotten there and we went over to UVA to spend the day with her. Meanwhile, my aunt was on a plane from Utah. We just spent the day with her. Singing with her, talking to her, reading the bible, etc. She couldn't talk at this point as they had a small feeding tube in and she was still on bi-pap. That morning we were called into a conference room by her team of doctors and nurses and were told there were no more preventative measures they could do for her and they then asked us our wishes. It's hard to tell someone that there wishes are to just let the person pass. As humans our intinct is to survive. But what she wanted was to go peacefully and not be kept alive in any way unless there was life after those measures. They honored our wishes and told us that after she was taken off oxygen it could be several days before she passes. We had praying for months that no matter how she went that it would be quick and peaceful. Hearing this sounded like eternity.

By mid afternoon, she wanted the bi-pap off and so we took it off and let her have nose oxygen and mask and she was handling it pretty well. We were also moved to a non ICU room on a regular floor so that we would have more privacy. Again, we just spent time with her. By early evening, she started to loose lucidity and basically just slept. She didn't answer questions with a nod anymore. However there were moments. One moment she wanted the oxygen mask off and so I let her take it off. We asked if she was ready to go and she nodded she was. The rest of the evening moved on in a blur. Watching her every move of anxiousness and readyness for heaven. Around 10 pm, my sister and I decided to take her nose oxygen off and we asked her if she wanted it off and she nodded. When taking it off, she voiced as well as she could "I love you". Now again she had not been lucide for a good hour or so before this moment. We continued for the next half an hour singing to her and praying over her and just being in that moment with her until she took her last breath and her heart stopped.

I've never witnessed anyones death before. I've never witnessed the intense moment that happens. The spiritual release when their soul is released from their body. It was so intense that I couldn't breath and ended up running out of the room, collapsing on the floor in the hallway gasping for air. It was overwhelming. I had never experienced God so closely. His fragrance so strong. His power so infinite. The moment was not sorrowful at the time. It was almost joyful like you wanted to worship lwith the angels in heaven and mourning was for later. I can't fully explain it. All I can say is AWE. Awe in what I can't comprehend and don't have to comprehend. Awe in the things that can't be explained and shouldn't be explained. Awe in how big my faith should be. Awe in how much I should worship more. Awe in how my life should be changed from this moment on. Just complete AWE!!!

The calm after the storm...

So they say there is a strange but peaceful calm after a storm.

Is there really or do you just get so adjusted to the intensity of the storm that anything but it would be calm?

I'm slowly getting there & will be blogging again soon. Just enjoying the calm after the storm.

Photo courtesy of Emily Chastain.

Still Waiting...

I have come to a moment of frustration. For awhile there I felt I couldn't keep up with the favor of God on my family but its seems it has paused or taken on a different fragrance.

Our house is still on the market with no showings. I realize the market is bad right now but I am still having faith that our house will sell!

My mothers doctors have still not made a decision on the transplant. Waiting...waiting...waiting... That's all we're doing right now. Still wondering what to prepare ourselves for...

Nathan and I have decided to start trying for a second baby...for those that don't know, it took us a year and a half, fertility testing, and fertility drugs to get our little London. So be praying that this time it just happens. I just want it to happen without all the other...

Anyway, I am trying to press in and still grab hold of the promises I know that are in store for our family. I believe there is still an awesome testimony to be told. I am starting to realize there is a greater lesson to be learned. One of patience, perserverance, and most importantly upmost faith that God knows the plans he has for us!

Which brings me to my new song of the moment... "Hope Now" by Addison Road:

If everything comes down to love

Then just what am I afraid of

When I call out Your name

Something inside awakes in my soul

How quickly I forget I'm Yours

I'm not my own

I've been carried by You

All my life

Everything rides on hope now

Everything rides on faith somehow

When the world has broken me down

Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm

Rising waters all I want is the shore

You say I'll be ok and

Make it through the rain

You are my shelter from the storm

You've become my hearts desire

I will sing Your praises higher

Cause Your love sets me free

Bringing It All...

So as part of my new years resolution of worshiping Him more...I am trying out song writing. I'm totally raw in this attribute besides the every so often diddy I might sing in my car or while rocking London to sleep. I'm not sure how its going to go but I made my first attempt. It's really kind of an emotional throwup. I guess I 'll have to work on a main subject next time. Anyway, thought I'd share...

V1

It is by grace I stand
In Awe I bow
By the workings of your hands
By the knowing of this soul
You bring me to this place
A place of rest
For the Glory You behold
For the Honor of Your Name

Chorus

I’m bringing it all to your throne
A heart that’s willing
And a Testament untold
I’m bringing it all to your feet
A desperation cry
With a faith unshaken

V2

With a tattered veil
And unclear path
I’m reaching for Your Cup
I’m begging for Your hand
With a foggy mind
And broken steps
I’m looking for Your way
I’m asking for Your light

Bridge

I’m bringing it all to Your Throne
I’m bringing it all to Your feet
I’m reaching for Your cup
I’m begging for your Hand
I’m bringing it all to Your throne
I’m bringing it all to Your feet
I’m looking for Your way
I’m asking for Your light