Let It Rain...

Today I am going to not be okay with mediocracy.
Today I am going to not just sit by the river, I'm going to drown in it.
Today I am going to spend 10 minutes to feed my soul.
Today I am going to worship a little more.
Today I am going to think out of the box.
Today I am going to smile one more smile.
Today I am going to not be tired of the every day things.
Today I am going to marvel at the every day things.

Do you ever feel like your personal to-do list out runs your life to-do list like cleaning house and doing laundry. Lately I am feeling like that. Like I need an overhaul, tune up, oil change...maybe a little more air in my tires. I need the jumper cables laid on me like butter on bread.

It would be so incredible to just be able to work on me for a while. This whole thing started yesterday morning when I had the opportunity of being at home by m-y-s-e-l-f to just do things for m-y-s-e-l-f for about two hours. I was able to take an eternity long shower (which means shave my legs), pluck my eyebrows, and actually curl my hair (doesn't typically happen on a work morning, let alone with a two year old pulling at your legs). I was able to listen to worship music and enjoy my cup of hot coffee. My shirt was even ironed and my socks matched. I walked out of the house feeling so refreshed and at ease.

Well, I get that everyday can't be that way. I would eventually get bored of all the maintenance and "me" time and it wouldn't be so special on the days that I do get to have a morning like that. I was then at the va-j-j doctor yesterday morning and it had been since 2007 since I had gone. I know I can feel the hand smacks thru the computer. I actually went for an infertility visit (yada, yada, yada). Anyway, Donna starts asking me questions about my family and medical history. Here's how it went:

Question 1: How's your dad?
Answer in my mind: Well lets see, he left me when I was ten, had to be on food stamps, and now is gay, drag queen, and loves riding in the Mardi Gras parade's...also haven't talked to him since I was 16. Should have daddy issues but really am doing okay in that field.
Real Answer: I'm actually not sure of his recent health status. He hasn't been around since I was young.

Question 2: How's your mom?
Answer in my mind: Seriously, do I have to rehash this all over again. I know once I say she passed away she's going to get that look on her face of I'm so sorry but I'd love to know the details, how should I go about asking her.
Real Answer: She passed away about a month and a half ago of liver failure.

Question 3: How are you handling it?
Answer in my mind: Again, seriously, no I do not need antidepressants and I am not trying to get pregnant to fill the void or anything pychotic like that.
Real Answer: I'm working through it.

Anyway, I still get thrown off when people ask me about my mom or I have to tell them shes passed or they want an update on how I'm doing. I'll tell you. I'm still kinda numb. There are still moments I go to just pick up the phone and call her. It's a hard pill to swallow to let the reality of it actually sink in that that person is just gone. One moment they were breathing and the next just gone like vapor. You can't call them, touch them, hear them. Their entire existence is gone in an instant. It's not like when someone moves away and you can still talk to them or go visit them every so often. It feels like eternity thinking that, well, I'll see her when I go to heaven. You can't put a date on that. There's no scheduling. Its just when God decides and delivers. Well I like to have a tracking number but all we can do as christians is put it in God's hands. Our entire beings and lives in God's hands. Not that I'm entirely ready to leave this earth but it does make me excited about heaven.

Okay, so I titled this blog "let it rain". Mainly because spring is here. And spring is a time of rain, refreshing, fertilization, new plantings, and revitalization after the long blustery winter. I am praying that not only will spring be in the Shenandoah Valley weather wise but that in the spiritual realm of all of our lives. Its been a cold, dry winter. Bring it on God, let it rain!!!