Today I am going to not be okay with mediocracy.
Today I am going to not just sit by the river, I'm going to drown in it.
Today I am going to spend 10 minutes to feed my soul.
Today I am going to worship a little more.
Today I am going to think out of the box.
Today I am going to smile one more smile.
Today I am going to not be tired of the every day things.
Today I am going to marvel at the every day things.
Do you ever feel like your personal to-do list out runs your life to-do list like cleaning house and doing laundry. Lately I am feeling like that. Like I need an overhaul, tune up, oil change...maybe a little more air in my tires. I need the jumper cables laid on me like butter on bread.
It would be so incredible to just be able to work on me for a while. This whole thing started yesterday morning when I had the opportunity of being at home by m-y-s-e-l-f to just do things for m-y-s-e-l-f for about two hours. I was able to take an eternity long shower (which means shave my legs), pluck my eyebrows, and actually curl my hair (doesn't typically happen on a work morning, let alone with a two year old pulling at your legs). I was able to listen to worship music and enjoy my cup of hot coffee. My shirt was even ironed and my socks matched. I walked out of the house feeling so refreshed and at ease.
Well, I get that everyday can't be that way. I would eventually get bored of all the maintenance and "me" time and it wouldn't be so special on the days that I do get to have a morning like that. I was then at the va-j-j doctor yesterday morning and it had been since 2007 since I had gone. I know I can feel the hand smacks thru the computer. I actually went for an infertility visit (yada, yada, yada). Anyway, Donna starts asking me questions about my family and medical history. Here's how it went:
Question 1: How's your dad?
Answer in my mind: Well lets see, he left me when I was ten, had to be on food stamps, and now is gay, drag queen, and loves riding in the Mardi Gras parade's...also haven't talked to him since I was 16. Should have daddy issues but really am doing okay in that field.
Real Answer: I'm actually not sure of his recent health status. He hasn't been around since I was young.
Question 2: How's your mom?
Answer in my mind: Seriously, do I have to rehash this all over again. I know once I say she passed away she's going to get that look on her face of I'm so sorry but I'd love to know the details, how should I go about asking her.
Real Answer: She passed away about a month and a half ago of liver failure.
Question 3: How are you handling it?
Answer in my mind: Again, seriously, no I do not need antidepressants and I am not trying to get pregnant to fill the void or anything pychotic like that.
Real Answer: I'm working through it.
Anyway, I still get thrown off when people ask me about my mom or I have to tell them shes passed or they want an update on how I'm doing. I'll tell you. I'm still kinda numb. There are still moments I go to just pick up the phone and call her. It's a hard pill to swallow to let the reality of it actually sink in that that person is just gone. One moment they were breathing and the next just gone like vapor. You can't call them, touch them, hear them. Their entire existence is gone in an instant. It's not like when someone moves away and you can still talk to them or go visit them every so often. It feels like eternity thinking that, well, I'll see her when I go to heaven. You can't put a date on that. There's no scheduling. Its just when God decides and delivers. Well I like to have a tracking number but all we can do as christians is put it in God's hands. Our entire beings and lives in God's hands. Not that I'm entirely ready to leave this earth but it does make me excited about heaven.
Okay, so I titled this blog "let it rain". Mainly because spring is here. And spring is a time of rain, refreshing, fertilization, new plantings, and revitalization after the long blustery winter. I am praying that not only will spring be in the Shenandoah Valley weather wise but that in the spiritual realm of all of our lives. Its been a cold, dry winter. Bring it on God, let it rain!!!
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Awe in the things seen and unseen...
So, I wasn't exactly sure how to begin this one. I really wanted to, for somewhat of memories sake, write down what happened at my moms death and how I felt and so on. Her passing yet sad and still a void was somehow how miraculous and God became so huge in it all.
Thats it exactly. More than anything, God's presence, His being became so big that my mothers passing was made to seem so small. At the moment that it happened. If that makes sense. I'm still trying to comprehend feelings, etc.
Well, that week still feels like a foggy mist but what I remember is going to church on Sunday morning and then it all began. I stepped out of church and had missed a call on my cell and it was the nursing home letting me know that she was still having difficulties breathing and they were taking her back to UVA. When reaching UVA, she had already been admitted to ICU and been put on oxygen and they were performing a lung tap. When leaving that day, she seemed to be doing better with still some shortness of breath and swelling. When I went on Monday and Tuesday she was lucide and seemed to be doing pretty well. Breathing with the same amount of oxygen she had been on in the past. When I got there on Wednesday, they had to move her onto the Bi-pap machine which is not a full breathing tube but was helping her breath quite a bit. She seemed in ok spirits but we both knew with an eiry peace that something wasn't right.
When I left that Wednesday night she blew me a kiss and a smile even while on the bi-pap. It was then that I knew intercession had to take place. I knew we had all been praying but this was different. I knew it had to be warfare! When I left, I put on my music and set my entire being into crazy prayer warrior time. I asked God to MOVE. Whatever direction but we needed some direction. She was tired, I was tired, and we were both done and ready for the next step. No more fence line, lets have the answer!
Well, He was listening. The next morning after speaking with her nurses and doctor, it was evident that she would not be leaving the ICU nor capable of having the transplant. She had to much infection and breathing problems for surgery. With this I called my sister and aunt and let them know they better come. That evening when I went to visit, it was evident that we both knew what was going to happen. I didn't say anything but told her to hang on and that Caron and her sister would be here soon. She nodded with eyes of determination. We brought her a video of London on Christmas morning to watch and just sat with her and sang to her. I tried to bring as much peace to the situtuation as possible.
On Friday morning, Caron had gotten there and we went over to UVA to spend the day with her. Meanwhile, my aunt was on a plane from Utah. We just spent the day with her. Singing with her, talking to her, reading the bible, etc. She couldn't talk at this point as they had a small feeding tube in and she was still on bi-pap. That morning we were called into a conference room by her team of doctors and nurses and were told there were no more preventative measures they could do for her and they then asked us our wishes. It's hard to tell someone that there wishes are to just let the person pass. As humans our intinct is to survive. But what she wanted was to go peacefully and not be kept alive in any way unless there was life after those measures. They honored our wishes and told us that after she was taken off oxygen it could be several days before she passes. We had praying for months that no matter how she went that it would be quick and peaceful. Hearing this sounded like eternity.
By mid afternoon, she wanted the bi-pap off and so we took it off and let her have nose oxygen and mask and she was handling it pretty well. We were also moved to a non ICU room on a regular floor so that we would have more privacy. Again, we just spent time with her. By early evening, she started to loose lucidity and basically just slept. She didn't answer questions with a nod anymore. However there were moments. One moment she wanted the oxygen mask off and so I let her take it off. We asked if she was ready to go and she nodded she was. The rest of the evening moved on in a blur. Watching her every move of anxiousness and readyness for heaven. Around 10 pm, my sister and I decided to take her nose oxygen off and we asked her if she wanted it off and she nodded. When taking it off, she voiced as well as she could "I love you". Now again she had not been lucide for a good hour or so before this moment. We continued for the next half an hour singing to her and praying over her and just being in that moment with her until she took her last breath and her heart stopped.
I've never witnessed anyones death before. I've never witnessed the intense moment that happens. The spiritual release when their soul is released from their body. It was so intense that I couldn't breath and ended up running out of the room, collapsing on the floor in the hallway gasping for air. It was overwhelming. I had never experienced God so closely. His fragrance so strong. His power so infinite. The moment was not sorrowful at the time. It was almost joyful like you wanted to worship lwith the angels in heaven and mourning was for later. I can't fully explain it. All I can say is AWE. Awe in what I can't comprehend and don't have to comprehend. Awe in the things that can't be explained and shouldn't be explained. Awe in how big my faith should be. Awe in how much I should worship more. Awe in how my life should be changed from this moment on. Just complete AWE!!!
Thats it exactly. More than anything, God's presence, His being became so big that my mothers passing was made to seem so small. At the moment that it happened. If that makes sense. I'm still trying to comprehend feelings, etc.
Well, that week still feels like a foggy mist but what I remember is going to church on Sunday morning and then it all began. I stepped out of church and had missed a call on my cell and it was the nursing home letting me know that she was still having difficulties breathing and they were taking her back to UVA. When reaching UVA, she had already been admitted to ICU and been put on oxygen and they were performing a lung tap. When leaving that day, she seemed to be doing better with still some shortness of breath and swelling. When I went on Monday and Tuesday she was lucide and seemed to be doing pretty well. Breathing with the same amount of oxygen she had been on in the past. When I got there on Wednesday, they had to move her onto the Bi-pap machine which is not a full breathing tube but was helping her breath quite a bit. She seemed in ok spirits but we both knew with an eiry peace that something wasn't right.
When I left that Wednesday night she blew me a kiss and a smile even while on the bi-pap. It was then that I knew intercession had to take place. I knew we had all been praying but this was different. I knew it had to be warfare! When I left, I put on my music and set my entire being into crazy prayer warrior time. I asked God to MOVE. Whatever direction but we needed some direction. She was tired, I was tired, and we were both done and ready for the next step. No more fence line, lets have the answer!
Well, He was listening. The next morning after speaking with her nurses and doctor, it was evident that she would not be leaving the ICU nor capable of having the transplant. She had to much infection and breathing problems for surgery. With this I called my sister and aunt and let them know they better come. That evening when I went to visit, it was evident that we both knew what was going to happen. I didn't say anything but told her to hang on and that Caron and her sister would be here soon. She nodded with eyes of determination. We brought her a video of London on Christmas morning to watch and just sat with her and sang to her. I tried to bring as much peace to the situtuation as possible.
On Friday morning, Caron had gotten there and we went over to UVA to spend the day with her. Meanwhile, my aunt was on a plane from Utah. We just spent the day with her. Singing with her, talking to her, reading the bible, etc. She couldn't talk at this point as they had a small feeding tube in and she was still on bi-pap. That morning we were called into a conference room by her team of doctors and nurses and were told there were no more preventative measures they could do for her and they then asked us our wishes. It's hard to tell someone that there wishes are to just let the person pass. As humans our intinct is to survive. But what she wanted was to go peacefully and not be kept alive in any way unless there was life after those measures. They honored our wishes and told us that after she was taken off oxygen it could be several days before she passes. We had praying for months that no matter how she went that it would be quick and peaceful. Hearing this sounded like eternity.
By mid afternoon, she wanted the bi-pap off and so we took it off and let her have nose oxygen and mask and she was handling it pretty well. We were also moved to a non ICU room on a regular floor so that we would have more privacy. Again, we just spent time with her. By early evening, she started to loose lucidity and basically just slept. She didn't answer questions with a nod anymore. However there were moments. One moment she wanted the oxygen mask off and so I let her take it off. We asked if she was ready to go and she nodded she was. The rest of the evening moved on in a blur. Watching her every move of anxiousness and readyness for heaven. Around 10 pm, my sister and I decided to take her nose oxygen off and we asked her if she wanted it off and she nodded. When taking it off, she voiced as well as she could "I love you". Now again she had not been lucide for a good hour or so before this moment. We continued for the next half an hour singing to her and praying over her and just being in that moment with her until she took her last breath and her heart stopped.
I've never witnessed anyones death before. I've never witnessed the intense moment that happens. The spiritual release when their soul is released from their body. It was so intense that I couldn't breath and ended up running out of the room, collapsing on the floor in the hallway gasping for air. It was overwhelming. I had never experienced God so closely. His fragrance so strong. His power so infinite. The moment was not sorrowful at the time. It was almost joyful like you wanted to worship lwith the angels in heaven and mourning was for later. I can't fully explain it. All I can say is AWE. Awe in what I can't comprehend and don't have to comprehend. Awe in the things that can't be explained and shouldn't be explained. Awe in how big my faith should be. Awe in how much I should worship more. Awe in how my life should be changed from this moment on. Just complete AWE!!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
