Initial Glimpse

August 4, 2008

Well, at this point I am having faith that God’s infinite plan for my life is not yet complete. I have felt over the past years that I have been walking as a Godly woman and still do not doubt that today. The voice of God has been small the past few years probably on the fault of my own self doubt and uncertainty in what our calling in life is. We’ve been youth pastors and I have served on the worship team but I still feel like I’m waiting for a shout or sign as to what our call is in the church. Is it small group leaders, mediators, etc.? I have always thought that my life would be the small pebble that caused a hundred ripples. I guess I thought at this age I would know and would be fulfilling my destiny that Christ has called me to live out. I have in my lifetime dealt with divorce, verbal abuse, being a grownup while still a child, accused of an inappropriate relationship and for some reason the black sheep of my family. I do not fit into the cookie cutter way that I think some people think I should fit into. I speak my mind, I show my emotions, I guard my heart, I like to be fashionable and trendy, I like feeling put together and with it, I love my friends, I love to be the center of attention and the leader in situations, I love anything girly and pink, I would watch Legally Blonde everyday, I would get a boob job and another nose job if I felt I wouldn’t be looked at so differently, I love my family. My husband is incredible – loving, constantly forgiving, a beautiful soul who will have a great reward in heaven, my breath, my constant, truly my better half. My London – a bubbly spirit which cannot be broken, comedian, center of attention, charmer of my soul, my caffeine, pure and good at heart, his faith will speak to thousands, determined in all ways. I have always held on the highest podium my loyalty in everything. My life, my family, my job…I think my parents own lack of commitment has made me overly committed, probably not always to my benefit. When people question this it truly shoots me in the core. I have built my relationships on this virtue and place it up there on the list with my religion, my family, etc. It is what I base my morals and values on. I’ve started this journal to not only help with the storm that I battle but to reveal my inmost thoughts and feelings to my loved ones who maybe don’t get a glimpse in.